Submission 1: Formal Letter Draft 1
Subject: Self-Introduction
Dear Professor Brad,
I am Umar Faruq Bin Zulfikkar Ali, a student in your effective communication module. I am writing this letter as a
self-introduction. I graduated with a Diploma in Mechatronics from Temasek
Polytechnic, specialising in aerospace systems which piqued my interest in
solving problems and creating solutions to make a difference. Ever since I can
remember, I always indulge myself in anything I can create or reform with all
the process work involved. I am pursuing a Degree in Mechanical Engineering at Singapore
Institute of Technology to broaden my knowledge and skills.
A communication strength I possess is to come up with a
compromise when there are different views, like in projects where different
minds come together for a shared solution. By listening, understanding and coming
up with an agreement which factors relevancy and reasoning. A communication
weakness I need to work on is my small talk as when I communicate to someone is
usually to get a point across.
By the end of this module, I hope to develop my social
skills, make connections and relations. I also want to build up my confidence
to get rid of any anxiety I face when communicating to an individual or group
of people especially in presentation where all the focus are on me.
What makes me different than others, is my ability to never
give up. Once I set my mind and goals to something, I would see it to the very
end accepting the ups and down of the process. In return, it teaches and
develops my experiences when setting out my next goal which will further
improve my capability.
I hope that through this letter, you get to know me better and I look forward to learning more from you. Thank you.
Best regards,
Umar Faruq
Dear Umar Faruq,
ReplyDeleteIt was a joy to read your email and learn more about you. I'm commenting on this as feedback on your self-introduction email. It was fascinating to hear your opinions on why you decided to become an engineer.
In terms of organization, this email is well-organized and properly paragraphed. The flow of this email is very fluid and straightforward, beginning with your history, moving on to your strengths and limitations, and concluding with how you differ from the others.
Language-wise, there are some punctuation and grammatical mistakes, such as in the phrase "What makes me different than others, is my ability to never give up." The word "than" could be replaced with "from". One example regarding your punctuation is to add a comma before "and" in the sentence "By listening, understanding and coming up with an agreement which factors relevancy and reasoning."
Grammatical mistakes, I feel, can be improved with time. I look forward to our lessons together.
Best regards,
Xunjia
Thank you for reading my post and for the informative feedback. I will make the necessary changes and I look forward in our time together.
DeleteDear Umar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. It was a very interesting read and it's good to know that your time at Temasek Polytechnic was your spark in wanting to pursue engineering. The structure of your letter was also thoughtfully done and had appropriate paragraphing. It made reading your letter an absolute joy.
However, I would like to point out that there are some grammatical and structural errors within your sentences. There are a few point where a comma would be appropriate in emphasizing the points you are trying to make.
However with practice, I believe that these errors are very easily eliminated. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.
Warmest regards,
Rahman
Thank you for reading my post and for the enlightening feedback. In the future, I hope to improve my grammar and structure of sentence to make it flow nicely. I wish the best for our future achievements.
DeleteDear Umar,
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank you for the wonderful introduction you gave us to know more about you. It is an interesting concept to know that "hands-on" and creativity inspires your motivation to help you become a better specialist in the field of engineering
This letter was written in a well-structured and detailed manner, which attracts the reader’s attention to learn more about you personally. You have painted the best image I could imagine while reading of your letter.
However, there are a few points I would like to add to this comment is that, name in the first passage of your self-introduction, instead of writing "Ever since I can remember" it would be good to say "For as long as I can remember". This will ensure the reader can read the passage smoothly without questionable insecurities, such as "How long has it been since you can not remember?"
The remaining points are mostly grammatical errors that have already been mentioned in previous comments.
I am confident that with constant practice and application of English, you will be able to turn the errors into helps for your future letter writing. I wish you success in achieving these goals you have set for yourself and look forward to seeing you in class.
Warmest Regards,
Venantius
Thank you for reading my post and the suggestion on sentences I should improve on. I will revisit my letter writing and ensure it is grammatically correct. I hope we can both achieve our goals and look forward in our time together.
DeleteDear Umar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing in this fairly detailed yet concise letter. It's interesting to read about the genesis of your interest in engineering being your knack for problem solving, and you also provide an effective explanation of your interest in project work, your comm skills levels and your goals. It's good to know that you can work within a group or team to make things work.
There are some language areas that you should take note of in this reflection:
1. caps
-- I am pursuing a Degree in Mechanical Engineering.... > ?
Aside from the overuse of caps, you need to take note of the following language use issues:
2. verb issues
-- Ever since I can remember, I always indulge myself.... > Ever since I can remember, I have always indulged myself....
-- where all the focus are > (subject-verb disagreement) ?
3. sentence structure
-- By listening, understanding and coming up with an agreement which factors relevancy and reasoning. > (fragment/lack of clarity)
-- A communication weakness I need to work on is my small talk as when I communicate to someone is usually to get a point across. > (lack of clarity)
-- I hope to develop my social skills, make connections and relations. > (lack of parallel structure: do X, Y and Z)
-- ...it teaches and develops my experiences when setting out my next goal which will further improve my capability. > (What does what? What teaches? How is your experience developed?
Who is goal setting?)
Let's work on a revision. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Thank you for reading my post and the improvements to be made in my language. I will work on a second draft based on the comments you have stated and I hope it will be a well revise draft.
Delete